C.C. BANANA MSX TOUR DIARY! ENTRY #1

July 1st, 2003

Hello, everyone! Welcome to the first entry of my Metal Sludge Extravaganza Tour Diary!

Today the monumental MSX Tour rolls into the Meadowlands State Fair, at Giants Stadium in NJ! As I have done on several past adventures, I bring along the C.C. Banana video crew to capture all the fun! It is via these very videotapes, each chock full of Sludgeaholic goodness, that I am able to deliver the details of all the delightful debauchery!

(Please note that all times are approximated, since I forgot to write them down as we went along.)

2:00 PM

The legendary Jim Bob Dwarf arrives at my home after a long, long drive from Michigan. He comes bearing gifts (in the form of Killer Dwarfs swag) so I allow him inside. Though I'm a little nervous about co-hosting my first Metal Sludge Extravaganza, I feel better knowing that veteran MSX host Jim Bob will be at my side. He fills me in on his recent hosting experiences, and I introduce him to my crack backup team of video techs, musicians and escorts -- collectively known as Banana 7.

2:30 PM

Video gear, assorted musical instruments and boxes of coveted Sludgendise are all loaded into our makeshift caravan, and we depart for the venue!

3:00 PM

Jim Bob Dwarf, C.C. Banana and friends arrive at Giants Stadium, where the Meadowlands State Fair is in full swing. The stadium parking lot is bigger than most small towns, and is crammed to the gills with every conceivable carnival attraction known to man. The main stage is the same kind of enormous temporary rig used for large outdoor music festivals, and the concert venue itself can accommodate up to 5,000 people! Now THIS is the perfect place to stage a Metal Sludge Extravaganza!

3:15 PM

Jim Bob and I introduce ourselves to the stage and road crews. Everyone seems genuinely glad to meet us, and I'm beginning to feel like a bona fide Metal Sludge celebrity! I pass out some complimentary C.C. Banana T-shirts, and am pleased when a few people put them on right away! I guess it's true what they say about the need for clean clothes on tour. As such, I make sure to save a shirt for Faster Pussycat's Fast Tommy, since I've heard he left home without packing much of anything.

We are informed that the aforementioned stage costs $140,000 -- just to rent it! Jim Bob and I promise not to break anything while we're there.

3:30 PM

With several hours to kill before show time, Jim Bob and the C.C. Banana crew wander around the fairgrounds to find lunch. At this point, I spy Steve Summers of Pretty Boy Floyd hanging concert flyers on all the rides and attractions. I admire that. Steve's a guy who's been in the biz some 15+ years and he's still dedicated enough to pound the pavement and spread the word about rock & roll. I approach and introduce myself.

BANANA: "Hi, Steve?"

STEVE: "Yes?"

BANANA: "I'm C.C. Banana."

STEVE: "Uh... from...?"

So much for my status as a bona fide Metal Sludge celebrity. I then explain that I am co-hosting the evening's concert with the incomparable Jim Bob Dwarf, and I see a faint glimmer of recognition flash in his eye. He then resumes his canvassing duties.

One interesting observation about Steve -- it seems he spends nearly every moment of his off-stage time in shorts and a T-shirt. Yet despite the fact that he constantly leaves so much skin exposed, he is still one of the whitest people I've ever seen. Myself included. He must not spend a lot of his waking hours in the daylight.

More information on Steve and Pretty Boy Floyd is available HERE:

http://www.PrettyBoyFloydOnline.com

And for the love of God, don't forget to include the word "online," or you'll get sucked into a vapid hellhole of cuteness called Floyd's Feline Frathouse. Consider yourself warned.

3:50 PM

Sensing the urge to flex my banana muscles, I suit up and climb into my yellow second skin. The members of Kiss say that even in the early days when they were still playing small clubs and hotels, they always approached each gig as if they were playing Madison Square Garden. As such, I am dressed to the nines tonight in my brand-new banana suit, not to mention my best tuxedo. I feel like I'm ready to host the Oscars! Or the Cable Ace Awards, at the very least. I walk out onto the intimidating MSX stage and practice my rock & roll rallying cry to the deafening silence of an empty venue.

"HELLLLLLOOOOOO METAL SLUDGE FAAAAAANNNNNNNNNSSSS!"

4:00 PM

A few members of Faster Pussycat rehearse onstage while my camera crew and I roam the grounds in front of them, shooting footage for a future C.C. Banana video. During a break between songs, I hear someone exclaim through the sound system, "Let me tell you something -- I know C.C. Banana, and you're no C.C. Banana!"

I'm not sure who said this, or even what was meant by it. But lest there be any doubt, folks -- yours truly is indeed the real peel.

4:10 PM

I spy 4 black-clad rocker chicks behind the outer fence of the venue, all sporting official Metal Sludge gear, which is available HERE:

http://www.metalsludge.tv/store

"Are you all Sludgettes?" I call out to them.

At first they don't respond.

"Nod once for YES, twice for I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU!"

This time they are all sure to nod. Once.

I then ask them if they'd like to be included in our C.C. Banana video.

Again, no response.

"Shake your booty once for YES, or twice for YES!"

The girls chuckle nervously, then walk away. Quickly.

4:25 PM

My crew and I encounter Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie. I call him the Super Roadie because he appears to do the work of at least 3 ordinary human roadies. Loading the gear, tending the instruments, managing the merchandise -- he does it all! And unless I miss my guess, other than Tour Manager J.D. and Faster Pussycat's Fast Tommy, Dizz is literally the one-man MSX road crew! He's the guy who makes things happen, and the bands all depend on him for a lot. Dizz doesn't say much, but he gets the job done with a single-minded determination that's hard to ignore.

4:30 PM

C.C. Banana's lovely assistant J.J. arrives on the scene, making the world a prettier place to be. Unfortunately, there won't be much for J.J. to do today. But she'll rock your socks off in upcoming diary entries, mark my words!

4:40 PM

Jim Bob Dwarf disappears into the Pretty Boy Floyd / Enuff Z'Nuff tour bus, not to be seen for some time.

4:50 PM

Pretty Boy Floyd rehearses onstage, belting out a new tune called "I'm In Love With A Chunky Girl," or something to that effect. I take this opportunity to shake some banana booty with my favorite chunky girl, Janna Banana. Jan's an amazingly ample gal, and her hip checks are downright lethal! I wouldn't be surprised if Queen's classic "Fat Bottomed Girls" was written specifically for her. By the time the song is over, the pulchritudinous pear has bodaciously bopped this most unskinny banana.

5:00 PM

Sludgeaholics begin to drift into the venue nice and early, claiming the best possible spots for the show.

One of the first people inside is a woman called Raven, presumably named after the Edgar Allen Poem. No last name, mind you -- just Raven. Like Madonna. Or Gallagher.

"Or Taime," she adds.

Apparently the famous Faster frontman hasn't been using his last name of late. But I'm not sure if I'm Downe with that. Anyhoo...

Raven is wearing a white crop top with a hot pink Pussycat logo. I decide to interview her on camera by quizzing her with some impromptu Faster Pussycat trivia. Raven correctly identifies the title of their recent greatest hits CD "Between the Valley of the Ultra Pussy," though she politely declines when I ask her to repeat the last 2 syllables over and over and over again.

Nevermore, indeed.

5:15 PM

After little more than an hour inside my banana outfit, I am already leaving little sweat trails on the ground wherever I go. So in case anyone is wondering, YES it's hot in the costume.

5:30 PM

My 76-year-old mother (hereafter known as Nana Banana) arrives at the venue, bursting with pride to finally see her son in action! Though I've been performing as C.C. Banana for 2 years, and attending rock concerts for nearly 20, this is her first time experiencing either.

I'm hoping her heart can take it.

5:40 PM

Nana Banana and Janna Banana begin setting up the C.C. Banana bodega, offering the new C.C. Banana T-shirt! These ladies are either extremely good at what they do, or just a little bit gullible. For the next time I see them, they are somehow responsible for the entire MSX merchandise table!

Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie would seem to have the additional power of super persuasion.

6:00 PM

Jim Bob Dwarf emerges from the PBF/EZN tour bus wearing his stylin' black suit, as more Sludgeaholics filter into the venue. We meet up with future Sludgeaholic of the Month David Weave Roth and pose for photos. Weave doesn't have enough money to pay me for my autograph, but I let him slide because he plants a huge wet one on Jim Bob's cheek. At least he does in MY version of this story. Their accounts may differ.

6:30 PM

Steve Brown and P.J. Farley from 40ft. Ringo arrive backstage, and greet their 2 dapper MSX hosts. I've encountered Steve several times before, but I've only met P.J. once. As such, I'm still not prepared for the startling size of his ears. They stick out quite considerably, his head somewhat resembling one of those sippy cups little kids hold by the handles on either side. I smile as he shakes my hand, and I try not to giggle or stare.

6:45 PM

Chad from Pretty Boy Floyd engages Nana Banana in a lovely conversation behind the MSX merchandise table. My guess is that he is drawn to her Vixen Hot Pink Metal Sludge T-shirt, which is available HERE:

http://www.metalsludge.tv/store/girls.html

Nana Banana takes note of the many young women approaching the table, who subsequently hug and kiss the youthful rocker. She further admits that she would do the same, were she a few years younger! The sly Chad then suggests that she shouldn't let that stop her!

Though the Metal Sludge Extravaganza is Nana Banana's very first rock concert, she's already becoming a groupie slut.

7:00 PM

Jim Bob Dwarf and C.C. Banana ascend the backstage stairs and take command of the expansive Metal Sludge Extravaganza stage! Standing side by side for the first time in public, we are finally able to dispel the rumor that we are in fact the same person. Although I'm sure our matching dress attire has a few members of the audience seeing double!

We enthusiastically greet the assembled Sludgeaholics. There are only a few dozen of them this early in the evening, but they cheer loud enough to sound like a few hundred. It's dedicated Sludgeaholics like these (each paying their hard-earned $8) who make our jobs worthwhile! Jim Bob and I thank everyone for coming, hype all the bands on the MSX bill, and look down the shirts of the women in the front row. We also extol the virtues of the Metal Sludge website, for the benefit of those who may have accidentally wandered in while looking for the bathroom.

Strangely, despite the fact that there are several thousand square feet of available space near the stage, quite a few members of the audience have chosen to stake claim to the bleacher seats, several hundred feet to the rear. We attempt to entice them nearer with a mixture of bullying and bribery.

"You people in the back! Come on up closer! We're much sexier from the front row!"

A few brave souls creep forward. Jim Bob rewards them by tossing out free CDs.

7:10 PM

Our introductions completed, Jim Bob and I relinquish the stage to opening band 40ft. Ringo. Beginning with the unlikely salutation, "Hello Giants Stadium parking lot!" Steve and company launch into a tight, high-energy set of catchy power pop. I really do dig these guys. I was never a big Trixter fan, but Steve Brown and P.J. Farley have returned in a dynamic new rock act with great songs and excellent musicianship. I hope this latest endeavor garners the attention it deserves, especially since I hear that Steve is really tiring of his day job at Pizzaland.

More information on 40ft. Ringo is available HERE:

http://www.40ftRingo.com

7:30 PM

I see one of the most disturbing sights of my entire adult life. The 76-year-old Nana Banana emerges from between the tour buses with a huge smile on her face, followed shortly thereafter by Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie. All I can envision is Nana Banana taking up Chad on his tempting offer, and then proceeding to service the rest of the crew.

I go temporarily blind.

7:40 PM

Once 40ft. Ringo has whipped the steadily growing crowd into a Sludgeaholic frenzy, Jim Bob Dwarf and C.C. Banana return to the stage and swoop in for the kill! We ask the fervent masses if they'd like to hear us to sing a duet. The crowd roars!

But we sing our song anyway.

Follow along at home if you know the melody!

THOSE WERE THE DAYS (new lyrics by C.C. Banana)

- Guns N' Roses met the Terminator - Circus Magazine and Hit Parader - We made love in an elevator - Those were the days

- Winger, Britny Fox and Tuff - Faster Pussycat, that glam rock stuff - Pretty Boy Floyd, Enuff Z'Nuff - Those were the days

- Poison toured around the world - They were men who dressed like girls - Twisted Sister, PMRC, Dee with his head full of curls

- Quiet Riot came and felt the noize - Low low record sales for Dangerous Toys - Rob Halford played with all the boys - Those were the days

The Sludgeaholics laugh! They applaud! They cheer! They like us! They really like us! In appreciation for enduring our fractured rendition of the Archie Bunker classic, we reward them with free Sludgendise!

For correctly answering Metal Sludge Stupid Trivia, the Sludgeaholics win such great prizes as MSX Tour shirts, Old School Baseball Jerseys, Sludgette Baby Doll T's, and other exclusive goodies. If you weren't fortunate enough to win anything, all this cool stuff is also available HERE:

http://www.metalsludge.tv/store

One question asks fans to identify any band whose name consists of exactly three words. Sadly, the eager Sludgeaholic who excitedly screams "System of a Down" does not win a prize.

8:00 PM

Pretty Boy Floyd's raucous rock & roll sets the night on fire. Well, sort of. Though technically night, the summer sun is still shining brightly. As such, this is quite possibly the most daylight any of these Hollywood Vampires has seen in years.

8:15 PM

Backstage, some big crew guy approaches me and proclaims, "You and me, we're gonna wrestle! We're gonna go on that fuckin' stage and we're gonna wrestle! We're gonna wrestle, and I'm gonna pick you up like this!"

I smile and try not to let on that he's scaring me just a little bit

8:20 PM

Hot chicks in tiny clothing begin to congregate backstage. If I have a choice, I'd rather wrestle one of them.

8:40 PM

After Pretty Boy Floyd's crowd pleasing performance, Jim Bob Dwarf and C.C. Banana again take the stage. This time around, Jim Bob is kind enough to allow me a moment onstage all to myself. Well, actually I push him behind the curtain. But the end result is the same.

For weeks I've been preparing a special treat for the attendant Sludgeaholics -- a musical ode to Metal Sludge's favorite whipping boy! Specifically, to his infamous showdown with C.C. Banana. I'll spill the details of the song in my next diary entry, but the whole gruesome story can be found HERE:

http://www.metal-sludge.com/BachvsBanana.htm

I gotta tell ya, folks -- by this point I'm a little nervous, since:

A) This is my first time performing in front of a big rock & roll audience. B) I am not a very good singer. C) My video crew is there to capture the entire mess if I screw up.

Banana 7 guitarist R.C. Banana plugs in and gets ready to rock! Throwing caution to the wind, we launch into the turbulent tale of man versus banana. Along the way, fans are laughing and smiling. By the first chorus, they're even cheering! By the second, they're actually applauding! Hey, this is GREAT! The NJ Sludgeaholics are a very receptive crowd and I'm extremely grateful that they seem to like what we're doing.

Ah, life is good.

I am suddenly aware of a sharp pain in my left kidney. Simultaneously, I feel the wind knocked from my lungs as I am pushed hard to stage right. I fight to keep my balance, though I am unable to stop my sideways momentum.

Most importantly, I keep singing my song!

Though the nature of my banana costume makes it difficult for me to see just what is happening, a casual inspection of the videotape reveals all.

On stage left are a local disc jockey and 3 photographers. Near them, John Monaco from Enuff Z'Nuff can be seen poised behind a support beam. The local disc jockey waves for Monaco to rush the stage, and after persistent coaxing Monaco executes a flawless running bodyslam into C.C. Banana. The 3 photographers take their places around the stage and start snapping away. Ironically, one of them is even wearing the C.C. Banana T-shirt I'd given him earlier. Monaco continues his assault.

However, once it becomes apparent that one jockey-sized rocker is not enough to bring down the big banana, Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie is called in to seal the deal. At this point Monaco wraps his spindly legs around mine, effectively binding them while Dizz delivers the fatal push. I go down and I go down hard, entering my own private House of Pain. My knees slam to the stage as the microphone is knocked from my hand. Though I am unable to continue singing, my guitarist R.C. Banana keeps playing!

Monaco then mounts my banana back and digs in with both heels, perfectly completing the image of a jockey astride his steed. Not to mention a few choice sexual innuendoes that are best left unspoken. Though still unsure of just what is happening to me, I fight to regain my footing.

As I attempt to right myself, Monaco slides down my legs and clings fast to my ankles. This is one punchline he seems determined to run into the ground. My vision compromised within the confines of my costume, I stumble around blindly in hopes of freeing myself from Monaco's spider-like grasp. Curiously, I find that this process is not entirely unlike scraping dog crap from my shoe.

Unbeknownst to me, I am by now mere inches from the front end of the stage! One false step and this banana will split his skull on the metallic edge of the photo pit. For better or for worse, my costume prevents me from realizing this impending danger, as I continue to seek my liberation.

Interestingly, the very next person onstage is the local disc jockey. Commandeering my lost microphone, he actually encourages the crowd to cheer on my assailant!

"Let's hear it for Monaco from Enuff Z'Nuff!"

His actions seemingly validated, Monaco finally relinquishes control of my lower anatomy and leaves the stage. Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie then raises his hand in acceptance of his own accolades, and the crew begins to reset the stage for the upcoming band.

But C.C. Banana isn't finished yet! I would never allow such unscripted antics to prevent me from entertaining all my Sludgeaholic fans! Metal Sludge invited ME to co-host their Extravaganza, and the show must go on! I snatch back the microphone from the local disc jockey, and Banana 7 picks up the song where we left off! The audience cheers their approval.

After only a few bars, however, the MSX stage goes quiet. Our power has been cut! With no remaining alternative, R.C. and I thank the fans for their support, and wave goodnight.

Perhaps not surprisingly, a quick examination of the videotape reveals that it is in fact the local disc jockey who gestures for the soundboard to cut our feed.

"How about cutting him off early!" he ultimately shouts to the crowd. "Who's with me?"

8:50 PM

Friends, fans and my beloved co-host gather backstage to check on me. Janna Banana inspects my costume for damage, since it wasn't designed to withstand blindside tackles. Everyone in this sympathetic congregation urges me to get Monaco back somehow. Suggestions range from tackling him onstage to hitting him in the head with a banana, but to me these all ring hollow. At this point I'm honestly at a loss as to how best to handle this predicament.

8:55 PM

10 minutes have passed since the scuffle and Enuff Z'Nuff is still not onstage. So much for the theory that my act was cut short because it was running too long.

My assembly of well-wishers grows.

9:00 PM

Unbelievably, I am again rushed by Monaco. But this time it takes the form of a hug. He's not exactly my favorite person at the moment, and I'm sure he's sensing that.

"Oh, great. I pissed off the wrong banana," Monaco jokes. He then turns to walk away, toward the stage.

Realizing that I have 2 additional MSX dates to work with this man, I conclude that it's in my best interest to make some sort of peace with him.

"Dude, come here," I call out. I extend my hand in truce.

He accepts, and offers the surprising revelation, "I got paid to do that."

"You didn't get paid," I replied, in disbelief.

"I did. I swear to God," he assured.

"Who paid you?"

"Some guys back there."

"What did they pay you?"

"$30 bucks."

"You're that hard up for $30 bucks?"

At this point Monaco is called to the stage. I wave him off, not wanting him to miss his cue.

9:05 PM

From the distance I hear him moan to the audience, "You tackle one banana and everyone thinks you're a jagoff."

I am again encouraged to clock Monaco in the head with a banana.

9:10 PM

Steve Brown from 40ft. Ringo walks up to our camera crew and leaps into an uncanny impression of Poison's C.C. DeVille, reminding the viewers at home to buy their latest CD "Hollyweird." To further authenticate his C.C. impersonation, Steve carries a half-empty beer can and even acts like he's drunk! At least I think he's acting. Either way, he is very convincing. And pungent.

9:15 PM

My crew and I decide to make the best of the Monaco situation by staging a bogus rivalry. With a little creative video editing, it will look like C.C. Banana is stalking Monaco to exact his revenge! I round up several members of Banana 7 and instruct them to follow me into the audience.

R.C. Banana curls up the sleeves of his C.C. Banana T-shirt, and we all do our best to look menacing. Though attempting to simulate a posse, our effort reads more like a pussy. Either way, we want people to think that we mean business! As the cameras roll we clench our fists, crack our knuckles and puff out our chests, all the while staring down Monaco from the crowd.

9:25 PM

We conclude our simulated stalking and return backstage, while Enuff Z'Nuff continues to belt out one solid tune after another.

At this point the 76-year-old Nana Banana finally makes her way backstage to check on her son. I've spent nearly half my life telling her that rock concerts are safe, and that she shouldn't worry about me when I attend them. Yet the very first time she actually accompanies me to one, she sees me jumped before her very eyes. I decide right then and there not to invite her to the Metallica show the following week.

9:30 PM

The time of retribution is finally is at hand! Enuff Z'Nuff finishes their set and says goodnight. As the spotlights dim, R.C. Banana and I dash onto the stage. I drape a C.C. Banana T-shirt over Monaco's head while R.C.pretends to stab him in the neck with a banana! Monaco picks up on the gag and plays along, sagging to the ground.

Comedy ensues.

"That was okay, right?" I ask Monaco, as I reach down to help him up.

"Oh, yeah!" he beams, smiling in appreciation of the turnaround.

The crowd laughs, mock revenge has been exacted and C.C. Banana has made a new friend. All seems well in the rock & roll world.

9:35 PM

Since Faster Pussycat has asked that no hosts be onstage before their set, my camera crew and I decide to wander through the crowd, meeting Sludgeaholics and shooting brief interviews.

We first meet Danielle, a lady in red who tells me that she loved my song. In return, I tell her that I love her generous bosom. We next meet Sludgettes Kelly and Michelle, each sporting their finest Sludgewear (you know the drill by now). However, Michelle is quick to point out that she does not in fact Fly High. We also encounter an adorable young lady named Briana, who is quite vocal in her dislike of the nickname "Briana Banana." Next, Mike and Denise show off their newly autographed limited edition Pretty Boy Floyd 3-song EP, and before we're through we stumble upon yet another woman named Michelle! She doesn't Fly High either, but she does have a rose tattoo on her arm. For the record, this rose has no thorn, thereby proving wrong Bret Michaels' theory.

Ominously, Michelle's last words to me are, "Have a good night."

9:45 PM

Mere moments later, I am subjected to the most irresponsible, unprofessional and reckless example of bad judgment I have ever encountered. Though much has already been said about this incident, I have thus far remained silent. Thankfully, my friends have chosen to speak on my behalf.

For some fairly accurate eyewitness accounts of the event, click HERE:

http://www.metal-sludge.com/MSX-BananaTourBus.htm

And for the seemingly definitive word on the subject, click HERE:

http://www.metal-sludge.com/FUAwardRalphDonnie.htm

Needless to say, my brand-new banana costume is out of commission.

This unfortunate occurrence is not indicative of the way I choose to remember the NJ Metal Sludge Extravaganza, and as such I shall refrain from speaking further of it.

Well gang, this concludes the exhaustive first entry of my MSX Tour Diary! I'd like to offer my sincerest thanks to the inimitable Jim Bob Dwarf -- for being an excellent co-host, and for providing many of the wonderful photos accompanying this feature! I couldn't have done it without you, man! And thanks again for the great CDs!

Also, I am proud to announce that the long-awaited C.C. Banana home video will begin shipping August 1st! It's called BACKSTAGE BANANA, and it's the most amazing C.C. Banana adventure yet!

Shot during the 2002 Hollyweird Tour, BACKSTAGE BANANA features guest appearances by C.C. DeVille, Rikki Rockett, Kip Winger, Jeff LaBar, Steve Brown, and a banana boatload of other cool rock & roll people. This tape has been watched and enjoyed by members of Poison, Faster Pussycat and even the Metal Sludge website! If you liked the C.C. Banana tour diary, you'll love this incredible new video.

For more information on BACKSTAGE BANANA, including photos and downloadable video samples, visit my new website at:

http://www.CCBanana.com

And while you're there, buy a genuine C.C. Banana T-shirt and become an honorary member of Banana 7!

In the next exciting installment of the C.C. Banana MSX Tour Diary:

- C.C. Banana meets the bands! - C.C. Banana hugs hot chicks! - C.C. Banana hugs Monaco! - C.C. Banana has more fun with Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie! - C.C. Banana hawks more merchandise!

Celebrate Independence Day on Long Island with your favorite fruit! The best is yet to come, fellow Sludgeaholics -- come back soon so you don't miss out!

C.C. Banana

www.CCBanana.com

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