C.C. BANANA MSX TOUR DIARY!
ENTRY #3 |
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| July 8th, 2003 |
| Hello everyone! Welcome to the third and final entry of my Metal Sludge Extravaganza Tour Diary! |
| Today the monstrous MSX Tour invades NYC! The rock never stops in the city that never sleeps, as Don Hill's does double duty as Sludgeaholic central! Will the city survive this spectacular sonic smackdown? It's a fruitastic fight to the finish as C.C. Banana bites into the Big Apple! |
| (Please note that all times are still approximated, since I can't seem to remember to write them down as I go.) |
| 6:30 PM |
| The Bananamobile navigates the labyrinthine maze of New York City streets, transporting the members of Banana 7 to our final Metal Sludge Extravaganza. With two previous MSX victories under our belts, the triumphant team of C.C. Banana, R.C. Banana, Janna Banana and J.J. has returned to deliver the Sludgeaholic goods one last time. |
| Once we find the mysteriously elusive Don Hill's, that is. |
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| 6:40 PM |
| Before discovering the club itself, I spot John Monaco from Enuff Z'Nuff speaking with two other men outside a corner cafe. I roll down the window and call out to him. Monaco smiles and waves. Curiously, he is still wearing the same dingy white tank top I remember him wearing in Long Island, 4 days earlier. I'm beginning to think that Monaco has only 2 shirts -- 1 dirty, 1 dirtier. This poor fellow must really be hard up for cash. I can see now why he consented to tackling me onstage for a mere $30. |
| 6:45 PM |
| Finally locating Don Hill's, Janna Banana parks the Bananamobile and I return to Monaco for a more formal greeting. He is not in the best of moods this evening, and he proceeds to vent about people having sex and doing drugs on the tour bus all night long! Rockers having sex and doing drugs on a tour bus? Unthinkable! |
| It seems that Enuff Z'Nuff's freshman frontman is less about the sex and drugs, and more about the rock & roll. Or the sleep, apparently. With performances each and every night of the week, the MSX Tour is proving to be Monaco's trial by fire. As a man who now cherishes sleep above even his own personal hygiene, he relishes every elusive wink he can grab. |
| 6:55 PM |
| My nose is accosted by the overwhelming stench of urine. At first I think that perhaps we've stumbled upon a stray porta-potty, or perhaps one of New York's famous homeless people. Amazingly, the smell turns out to instead be wafting from the aforementioned Pretty Boy Floyd / Enuff Z'Nuff tour bus! Fleeing the ghastly aroma, Banana 7 and I cross the street and approach the club. |
| Don Hill's promoter Nicki Camp greets us at the door, and is visibly disappointed when I inform him that C.C. Banana will be his host for the evening. |
| "C.C. Banana? I thought they were sending over a stripper." |
| Nicki insists that he has it "on very good authority" that someone more feminine and far more naked than I had been promised as his MSX host. I apologize for the confusion, and assure him that I am indeed the designated emcee. Upon promising that I will NOT take off my clothes, he begrudgingly allows us inside. |
| More information on Don Hill's is available HERE: |
| http://www.DonHills.com |
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| 7:00 PM |
| We enter Don Hill's, where Faster Pussycat is just finishing their rehearsal. Drummer Chad Stewart is the first to say hello, followed closely by my new friend Danny Nordahl. Danny is wearing a most unusual white fur hat, which he claims to have made for himself by clubbing to death several baby seals! Intrigued, I ponder what he might be able to create from my neighbor's yappy terrier... |
| 7:25 PM |
| Outside again, I encounter two hot Bostonian Sludgettes named Thea and Leanne. Thea is a thin brunette and Leanne is a zaftig blonde. Impossibly, these ladies claim to have never heard of C.C. Banana! However, they are understandably curious as to why a six-foot fruit is hosting the Metal Sludge Extravaganza, and ask me to explain who I am and what I do. |
| Hmmm... how exactly does one briefly sum up C.C. Banana? |
| I inform them that my fabulous, fascinating and fact-filled origin is available HERE: |
| http://www.metal-sludge.com/AdventuresOfCCBanana.htm |
| 7:50 PM |
| I meet with local costumed rockers Gods of Fire. They're opening the Metal Sludge Extravaganza tonight, and they've asked me to play a pivotal role in their elaborate show. Since this will afford me the rare privilege of NOT being the weirdest looking person onstage, I am of course happy to oblige. |
| 8:00 PM |
| Don Hill's opens for business, and the zealous Sludgeaholics pour inside. Many are by now familiar faces, returning night after night for more and more of the amazing MSX! |
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| 8:20 PM |
| I am approached by a man in a Lime Green Poison Fancy Ass Metal Sludge T-shirt. He introduces himself to me as John "Giggy" Maxwell, Sludgeaholic of the Month for April 2002! He further informs me that this illustrious title has garnered him free admission to the club! I confide in Giggy that I too had gotten in for free, because I told the doorman that I was a stripper. We bond. |
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| Giggy admits that he feels a little conspicuous this evening because he appears to be the ONLY person wearing any Metal Sludge gear! Apparently, New York Sludgeaholics are not aware of the fact that the finest Sludgendise is always available HERE: |
| http://www.metalsludge.tv/store |
| 8:30 PM |
| In addition to the 3 featured MSX bands and the guest opener, Don Hill's has also booked several additional local acts. Newark natives BombDiggy perform first, followed closely by the all-Asian group Goro. With each subsequent performance, the crowd grows steadily larger. |
| While awaiting our call to Sludgeaholic duty, R.C. Banana and I head outside to take some photos for the C.C. Banana MSX Tour Diary. |
| 9:15 PM |
| A young man in a black top hat introduces himself to me as Blitch. |
| No, really. |
| Blitch is a member of NYC's Drag Citizen. The other band members are also on hand this evening, despite the fact that they are seemingly the only area talent NOT on the bill. Instead, these young upstarts appear to be here solely to paper the venue with endless reams of Drag Citizen propaganda. While attempting to prevent the fellas from defacing Don Hill's quaint exterior, they surround C.C. Banana and force him to listen to their demo. |
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| By the way, I think the two on the left may be dating. |
| 9:30 PM |
| Back inside once again, Giggy hands me $20 for a C.C. Banana T-shirt! But before I can give him his change, he instructs me to instead buy myself a banana daiquiri. Though I express my concern that the shirt may in fact be a bit snug on him, Giggy amusedly quips, "I'll lose weight!" |
| 9:40 PM |
| I accompany my lovely assistant J.J. into the bowels of Hell. They tell me that it's supposed to be the Don Hill's basement, but I'm not convinced. It's hot down here. It's filthy dirty. It's made entirely of stone. And it smells worse than the Pretty Boy Floyd / Enuff Z'Nuff tour bus. Inexplicably, the basement is also littered with the lower halves of female mannequins! All these gams and no actual points of entry? If this isn't Hell, I don't know what is. |
| 9:45 PM |
| I rehearse my Sludgeaholic intros while the limber J.J. changes out of her street clothing. Though respectfully averting my eyes during this undoubtedly delightful transformation, I can't help but notice how much skin J.J. is exposing in the process! At first I assume that she is merely undressing before donning her MSX hostess attire. Instead, she announces that this new minimalist look IS in fact her MSX hostess attire! J.J. fixes her hair and make-up while I try my best not to stare at her breasts. |
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| 10:00 PM |
| The freshly coifed J.J. makes her way to the stage just in time for the official start of the Metal Sludge Extravaganza! As I have done on prior occasion, I send in my alter ego A.J. to welcome the attentive audience. A.J. informs the faithful Sludgeaholics that though there has been a brutal banana bludgeoning, there's still a chance that their favorite fruit may yet be brought back from the brink! He assures them that with a little luck, C.C. Banana will at long last return to the land of the living... in more ways than one. |
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| A.J. and J.J. give away precious Sludgendise in return for correctly answering Metal Sludge Stupid Trivia! Upon winning a rare MSX Tour Vixen Pink Baby Doll T-shirt, Sludgette Tina invites herself onstage to model it for the crowd! Later, the scantily clad J.J. slingshots a pair of Metal Slut panties at another lucky winner, who proceeds to wear them on his head for the rest of the night. |
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| 10:15 PM |
| The Gods of Fire launch into a sweeping theatrical set, banging out their distinct brand of operatic metal. A six-man psycho circus, they sing of immortality, necromantic lust and eternal damnation. This sinister sextet is soon joined by a foursome of fiery females, turning the already cramped stage into a chaotic maelstrom of light, sound and flesh. These so-called Fire-ettes will assist their malevolent masters in the summoning of a bastardly behemoth from beyond! |
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| Candles are lit and cryptic phrases are uttered, as this unholiest of choirs calls forth its undead intended. First creeping, then crawling, and ultimately rising, the otherworldly entity is at last coaxed into crossing over! The pyro messiahs have succeeded in resurrecting the unstoppable, irrepressible and incredibly inedible... |
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| C.C. Banana! |
| Grateful to again be amongst the living, I hug my supernatural hosts, slap hands with the exuberant audience and dance maniacally until the end of the number. |
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| More information on Gods of Fire is available HERE: |
| http://www.Gods-of-Fire.com |
| 10:35 PM |
| Outside I caution Sludgeaholics Jon and Cliff not to wander too close to the Pretty Boy Floyd / Enuff Z'Nuff tour bus, lest they succumb to its ferociously fetid fumes. |
| 10:45 PM |
| Don Hill's is filling up quickly. There are by now so many rabid Sludgeaholics inside the club that my new main man Giggy must clear a path to escort me safely to the stage! Despite my recent and rehabilitative resurrection, I nevertheless don my bloodied and bandaged look in response to the unfortunate fate that befell me in NJ. I ascend the prestigious platform and belt out a greeting that continues to serve me well. |
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| "HELLLLLLOOOOOO METAL SLUDGE FAAAAAANNNNNNNNNSSSS!" |
| The Sludgeaholics cheer. |
| "MY NAME... IS... C... C... BANANA!" |
| The Sludgeaholics cheer louder. |
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| As I had done at the Long Island Metal Sludge Extravaganza, I address the rumors of my premature demise and assure this latest batch of Sludgeaholics that C.C. Banana takes no split! I sing them my patented hard rock edition of "Those Were the Days," and am pleased when some in the audience actually sing along! The ever ready J.J. rewards them by handing out free MSX Tour buttons! |
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| 11:00 PM |
| Pretty Boy Floyd whips the New York City Sludgeaholics into a hot, lathery frenzy. |
| 11:15 PM |
| Outside the club, a guy named Rocket hits me up for a smoke. I recall having met Rocket at the Long Island MSX event, so I know he will understand when I tell him that Faster Pussycat will soon provide him with all the smoke he can handle! |
| 11:35 PM |
| Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie storms out of the malodorous PBF/EZN tour bus, cursing loudly at its driver. Dizz is so enraged that he appears oblivious to the surrounding flow of traffic, walking directly into the path of an oncoming taxi! Fortunately, C.C. Banana is nearby. Executing a quick snatch and grab, the yellow fruit saves Dizz from the yellow cab, thereby preventing the Super Roadie from ending up as Super Roadkill. |
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| 12:00 AM |
| Onstage for C.C. Banana's farewell MSX appearance, I leap into my trademark Star-Spangled Banana routine (complete with Uncle Sam hat and red, white and blue star spangles). Though I realize that it is already 4 days after Independence Day, I spent $10 on this crap and I'll be damned if I'm only getting one use out of it. |
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| Prepared to speak my somber salutation, C.C.'s Sludgeaholic swan song is instead silenced by a strange and startling sound. |
| RRREEEEEOOOOOWWWRRREEEEEOOOOOWWWRRREEEEEOOOOOWWW... |
| Believing this disruptive din to be the handiwork of the audio guy, I actually ask him to turn off! I end up feeling a little foolish once someone points out that the siren is in fact the club fire alarm. I encourage everyone to stay cool while we figure things out. |
| Minutes pass. Strangely, though the emergency lights are flashing and the siren is still blaring, no one is leaving the venue. I'm assuming this has less to do with a lack of concern for their personal safety, and more to do with the fact that people are being denied readmittance once they walk outside. Excepting the appearance of toxic smoke or searing flames, I don't expect anything will inspire these New York die-hards to vacate the premises. |
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| With no idea when the claxon will cease, I am instructed to push on with the show! Ignoring the drone of the lifesaving bell, I begin my tale or rock & roll egotism gone awry. Miraculously, the siren suddenly goes silent! The Sludgeaholics offer their loudest cheer of the night as I dedicate my special rendition of "I Remember You" to the original Youth Gone Wild. |
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| 12:20 AM |
| Enuff Z'Nuff kicks off their set, just as a dozen of New York's Bravest kick in the front door! Clad in full firefighting gear and presumably arriving in response to the preceding false alarm, these poor souls are all dressed up with nowhere to go. However, considering that the infinitely capable FDNY may in fact be aware of an incendiary circumstance that I am not, I quietly slip outside. |
| 12:30 AM |
| Steve Summers from Pretty Boy Floyd shares a quiet moment with Dizz Sticks. Standing face to face on either side of a fire hydrant, they lean inward such that their heads are touching. Additionally, Steve has his arms around Dizz and it very much appears as if the two boyz are making out. In truth, Dizz is still fuming over his argument with the tour bus driver, and Steve is attempting to calm him down. I just hope he's prepared when the Super Roadie again decides to bound into oncoming traffic. |
| 12:50 AM |
| In appreciation for all his help this evening, I attempt to give Giggy back the $20 he'd paid me for the C.C. Banana T-shirt. Refusing with a smile, the kindly Sludgeaholic tucks the bill back into my pocket. This money will ultimately buy an earlybird breakfast for my hardworking banana companions. |
| 1:30 AM |
| While packing up the Bananamobile, my attention is drawn to a commotion emanating from the more noxious of the tour buses. Monaco emerges from said odiferous vehicle, wearing his dirtier shirt, ranting loudly about someone "doing blow for 3 days," or something like that. |
| Nearby, the curvaceous J.J. mingles with the New York City Sludgeaholics and continues to distribute the remaining Metal Sludge tchotchkes. This she does with not only unwavering enthusiasm and tireless dedication, but also while flaunting more flesh than fabric. As such, despite my herculean efforts to the contrary, I finally surrender to a natural male urge and stare directly into J.J.'s ample cleavage. |
| The outside world ceases to exist. |
| 2:00 AM |
| It is two hours into the following morning when Faster Pussycat at last takes the stage. More importantly, it is when C.C. Banana at last gets to experience their set! Though I've been in attendance for 5 of their shows over the past 12 months, this is the first time I'm not busy hauling ass back to NJ or getting beaten by an unruly mob. |
| Happily, the band does not disappoint. |
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| 2:10 AM |
| A young woman approaches and asks me what I'm writing. I attempt to explain that I'm taking notes for my C.C. Banana MSX Tour Diary, but the music is so loud that she can't possibly make out what I'm saying. I resort to shouting the one word I hope she will understand: |
| "AUTOGRAPH!" |
| The young woman nods and walks away, apparently satisfied by my answer. |
| She also returns a few moments later asking for one "for her friend." |
| 2:25 AM |
| Faster Pussycat continues their aural assault. Despite the fact that I proudly possess their entire 3-disc Elektra catalog (as well as such treasured obscurities as the Japanese "Live and Rare" import and the "Belted, Buckled and Booted" EP) I have trouble recognizing many of the songs they are playing tonight. Still, I cannot deny that I am greatly enjoying the crunchy cacophony of this Faster Pussycaterwaul. Though the fog machine appears to be mercifully out of commission this evening, the blinking bulbs that ring the stage do an excellent job of leaving the audience more than a little lightheaded. |
| More information on Faster Pussycat is available HERE: |
| http://www.FasterPussycat.com |
| 2:45 AM |
| I find myself increasingly fascinated with an enormously tall chick I've been observing all evening. A gorgeous brunette with smooth pale skin and adorable girlie pigtails, this earthbound goddess easily measures 6 feet tall in her stocking feet! But to make this banana all the more ripe, she is also wearing 6-inch heels! At one point she catches me gawking up at her, and flashes me a coy smile. I try hard not to fall in love. |
| 3:00 AM |
| Faster Pussycat concludes their psychedelic spectacle and clears their cat box. As the spent Sludgeaholics disperse and depart, a final few introduce themselves to C.C. Banana. |
| The first is a cool guy named Chris, who has traveled all the way from Massachusetts to attend this MSX concert. Chris tells me that he greatly enjoyed my performance, and I compliment him on his good taste. I also meet Skinni the Sludgeaholic scientist who once created the world's smallest Metal Sludge logo entirely from atomic particles! This I find especially impressive, since I've yet to successfully write my own name in the snow. I also become reacquainted with the beautiful SexKitty69, who tonight proves that she is quite possibly the sweetest smelling woman on Earth. |
| 3:25 AM |
| One last rock & roll reunion awaits us just outside the club. |
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| "Mr. Banana!" exclaims Brent Muscat from alongside the Faster Pussycat tour bus. Momentarily excusing himself from his cadre of female fans, Brent informs me that he'd finally managed to wrestle my BACKSTAGE BANANA video away from Danny and Chad! |
| "I loved it! You should really be the one to interview me for my Metal Sludge 3-Wind!" |
| Brent further proposes that I rendezvous with the MSX Tour the following week in Texas, where Faster Pussycat, Enuff Z'Nuff and Pretty Boy Floyd will team up with Vince Neil, Skid Row and Poison! |
| "You could shoot interviews with all 6 bands!" he enthuses. So enamored am I of this veritable Sludgeaholic wet dream that I actually lose track of our conversation! |
| Upon returning from my momentary mental lapse, I find that the topic of our rapid-fire repartee has since shifted from serendipitous six-pack to Quicksand Jesus Christ Superstar! Jumping back into the frenetic fray, I inform Brent that things had not gone especially well during my last encounter with the esteemed Mr. Bach. |
| "I know," replies Brent, indicating that he is already familiar with our infamous showdown. "Sebastian's a cool guy, but he just doesn't get what Metal Sludge is all about." |
| Brent then optimistically adds, "Hopefully he will... someday." |
| I am reminded of my promise to pose for a picture with Faster's feline cofounder. After a few traditional takes alongside C.C. Banana, Brent decides to slip inside my sweaty second skin! Insert cheap sexual reference here. |
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| Finally, my faithful assistant J.J. reveals that rather than returning with the rest of Banana 7, she will instead be accompanying Brent and the band to the next stop on the MSX Tour! We say our goodbyes and send the plucky lass on her way, knowing full well that we might never see her again. |
| The Bananamobile beckons. |
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| 3:45 AM |
| Along the way we encounter Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie one final time. In light of how upset he was earlier in the evening, I ask him how his disagreement with the bus driver had turned out. Dizz explains that the driver had since apologized for whatever it is he had done, and that all is again well on the Pretty Boy Floyd / Enuff Z'Nuff tour bus. |
| With the noted exception of that nauseating urine smell, I would imagine. |
| Interestingly, the Super Roadie too is overcome by an urge to make amends, apologizing to C.C. Banana for his involvement in the Monaco tackle from the week prior. |
| "I wouldn't have done it if I knew you were so cool," he offers. |
| I thank Dizz for his change of heart, although I am understandably skeptical when he further claims to know nothing of the widely reported banana debacle that occurred later that evening. Taking him at his word, I proceed to fill him in on the unfortunate incident. |
| "That really happened?" he inquires in disbelief. "Awwww..." |
| Dizz Sticks the Super Roadie gives C.C. Banana a sympathetic super hug, restoring karmic balance to the rock & roll universe. |
| 3:55 AM |
| C.C., R.C. and Janna Banana all pile into the Bananamobile. Monaco walks by and flashes us one last thumbs-up before disappearing into the PBF/EZN tour bus. After all of today's excitement, he will surely sleep well tonight. |
| "Leaving without saying goodbye?" asks a familiar voice as I roll up the window. |
| It is Faster Pussycat's Fast Tommy, leaning into the Bananamobile for a farewell handshake and hug. |
| "It was my pleasure to work with you guys," I tell him. |
| "No, it wasn't -- I was a pain in the ASS!" he gleefully retorts. |
| That's true, he was. But only sometimes. He had a job to do and he did it well. I thank Tommy for his hard work and wish him well on the remainder of the tour. |
| 4:00 AM |
| As the Bananamobile pulls out from the curb and rounds the corner, I spy a lone MSX straggler. Drawing closer, the straggler turns out to be none other than Chip Z'Nuff! Chip is sharing a quiet moment with a beautiful ladyfriend, but I decide to bother him one last time anyway. |
| "C.C. Banana saying goodnight, Mr. Z'Nuff!" Chip smiles and waves a final farewell. |
| The Bananamobile peels away into the neon darkness of New York City, bringing our improbable MSX adventures to a satisfying close. |
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| Well gang, this officially concludes my MSX Tour Diary 2003! I'd like to offer my gratitude to the many individuals without whom this insanity would not have been possible: |
| First and foremost, I must thank the saintly Janna Banana for putting up with me during this exhausting summer of C.C. Banana. Though her patience seemingly knows no bounds, I'm sure I've tested its limits over the past few months. Jan's support, encouragement and inspiration have been invaluable to me, and I couldn't have done any of this without her. |
| I'd also like to thank my partner in crime, R.C. Banana. R.C. was always there to help me brainstorm banana ideas and his musical expertise was instrumental in bringing about C.C. Banana's dubious singing debut. That's right folks, you can blame it all on him. |
| Thanks also to the lovely, luscious, tantalizing, curvaceous, delightful, faithful, limber, ample, buoyant and multitalented J.J. for being the best Sludge Muffin a banana could ever ask for! |
| Thanks to Nana Banana for absolutely everything. She's the best of the bunch, and C.C. Banana's favorite feisty fruit. |
| Thanks to Jim Bob Dwarf for being my MSX mentor and an all-around neat guy. |
| Thanks to John Monaco from Enuff Z'Nuff for not tackling me two out of the three nights. |
| Thanks to Danny Nordahl, Chad Stewart and the rest of Faster Pussycat for enjoying my BACKSTAGE BANANA video! |
| Thanks especially to Brent Muscat for his words of support in his awesome MSX Tour Diary! |
| Thanks to the C.C. Banana video crew of Dave, Jeff and Tim for documenting all the debauchery! |
| Thanks to Sludgeaholic extraordinaire John "Giggy" Maxwell for his timely assistance, for buying a C.C. Banana T-shirt and for taking many of the phenomenal photographs featured above! |
| Thanks to MSX publicist Julie Fitzwater for keeping the magnificent MSX Tour rolling smoothly for six solid weeks! |
| Thanks to all the dedicated Sludgeaholics and Sludgettes who introduced themselves at the events, expressed their opinions and endured all three entries of my titanic tour diary! I appreciate that so many of you came along for the ride, and I hope to see you all again soon. |
| And finally, my sincerest thanks to Metal Sludge for inviting me to host 3 nights of their landmark MSX Tour! This has been a most extraordinary experience for me, one I'm lucky enough to have survived! I'd also like to thank them for having my back throughout the entire NJ fiasco, and for tolerating the chronic lateness of my tour diaries. |
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| Also, I am proud to announce that the long-awaited C.C. Banana home video begins shipping August 1st! It's called BACKSTAGE BANANA, and it's the most amazing C.C. Banana adventure yet! |
| Shot during the 2002 Hollyweird Tour, BACKSTAGE BANANA features guest appearances by C.C. DeVille, Rikki Rockett, Kip Winger, Jeff LaBar, Steve Brown, and a banana boatload of other cool rock & roll people. This tape has been watched and enjoyed by members of Poison, Faster Pussycat and even the Metal Sludge website! If you liked the C.C. Banana tour diary, you'll love this incredible new video. |
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| For more information on BACKSTAGE BANANA, including photos and downloadable video samples, visit my new website at: |
| http://www.CCBanana.com |
| And while you're there, buy a genuine C.C. Banana T-shirt and become an honorary member of Banana 7! |
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| What does the future hold for C.C. Banana? |
| At the moment, just some much-needed rest! |
| Maybe next year I'll hit up Metal Sludge to book me on the entire MSX Tour! Then I'll be able to inflict my banana shenanigans upon all of North America! I already have some interesting possibilities in mind, though as ever I'm still just making this up as I go along! When all is said and done, I'm just a guy who was lucky enough to step in shit, and smart enough not to wipe it off. |
| Thanks for letting me stick around. |
| C.C. Banana |
| www.CCBanana.com |
