And the winner is...

This is long overdue and after reading threads on our Gossip Board about it and getting emails, I've finally given in because this did need to happen. Because today, Ralph Sutton is getting an F.U. Award.

After reading Brent Muscat's latest and greatest diary entry, it was even more apparent that Ralphie needs some prozac and a polo mallet upside the head. Here is what Brent wrote about "The Bore Bus."

Earlier in the day, we were scheduled to do a radio show called “The Tour Bus” with a DJ named Ralph. I had done the show a few years back with Phil Lewis, so it was nothing new to me. I personally am not a big fan of The Tour Bus and wasn’t sure that I wanted to do the interview. On our last tour, I was going to go on the air and talk about my book, but I was told by our publicist that Ralph the DJ said he wouldn’t have me on without “TIE-ME”. Taime does not like to do press unless he has something new to promote and at the time there was nothing. I thought I had cool stories to share and it could make for good radio. If you look at the list of past guests on this show, they have had on far lesser known people than me. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but I did a feel a bit slighted.

So, here we are on the MSX Tour and Ralph the DJ says he wants FP and Enuff Z’Nuff to perform acoustic on his show. Faster Pussycat doesn't perform acoustic. We were never an “unplugged” band even when that was the fashionable thing to do. Greg used to play an acoustic guitar on stage during "House of Pain" and that was it. We once played an all acoustic show opening for Guns N' Roses at the Cathouse in California. Neither one of us
was signed yet, but Guns N’ Roses had enough acoustic material to fill an album already and we were playing songs like "Cathouse" and "Bathroom Wall". We were awful at playing acoustic and of course GNR was great. After that show, we knew that we were an electric band and that our songs just didn’t translate acoustically. I knew Taime wouldn’t like the idea of doing The Tour Bus radio show and to be honest, I didn’t either.

Our publicist thought it was something important to do and I think she may have pressured Taime into saying yes. In an email to us, Ralph the DJ listed reasons why we had to do his show. One was “if Marylyn Manson could play acoustic, so can Taime." That statement was definitely not the best way to get us to do his show. He also bragged and bragged about how many affiliates (or radio stations) he has and how we needed to do this. Personally, at this point in my career, a radio interview is not going to make or break me. If the uniforms we wore on the Poison tour didn’t break us, then a radio interview definitely wouldn’t. The deal was we would play two songs acoustically and they would provide the instruments. Taime was thinking of all the ways that he could turn this potential negative into a positive and one of his thoughts was to request a megaphone to sing through, which cost $40 at any Radio Shack. He thought it would be a cool vocal effect.

Aside from Taime, I am the only other member of Faster Pussycat who has never missed a show for any reason. Well, the time came to do the radio show and Taime said he wasn’t feeling up for it. I was also thinking about whether or not I should blow this off, but I decided to give it a shot.

They sent a limo for us and Chip, Chad, Danny, and I all went to the studio. Ralph the DJ didn’t want to put us on the air; he made up some phony radio jargon such as “the affiliates won’t allow it." I think Chip persuaded him to change his mind and we ended up playing a short version of "House of Pain" with our drummer, Chad, singing. We taught Chip the song and he learned it right away and played really well.

Throughout our time there, Ralph constantly asked us where "Tie-me" was. You would think that if he wanted someone on his show so much, then he would at least learn how to pronounce the person's name properly! It’s Taime, pronounced "TAY-MEE". That’s been his name as long as I have known him and ever since his grandma nicknamed him. We left the radio station and I didn’t think much of it.

Despite not being able to make time for the radio show, Taime did find the time to hang out with Ralph’s ex-girlfriend after the show.

I went out to eat with some friends and arrived at the Meadowlands parking lot an hour before we were supposed to go on. I heard that earlier in the show, Monaco thought it would be funny to run on stage and tackle CC Banana. People said it was funny and later CC Banana retaliated and attacked Monaco on stage during EZN’s set. Monaco and CC Banana laughed and it seemed like it was all in good fun.

After EZN finished playing, Ralph the DJ came on stage to give away some tickets to see Twisted Sister and CC Banana was cool enough to go down into the crowd. I was told that Ralph instructed anyone who wanted tickets to tackle CC Banana to the ground. Someone told me he said to "knock the Banana to the ground WWF style." I’m sure most of you already read the details of what happened on the Sludge site, so I don’t think there is a need to go over it any further. I just cannot believe that a DJ could be so senseless that he would tell a crowd to tackle someone. Most radio stations would have fired someone for doing that. I know that a bunch of Sludge fans called and emailed his station and complained.

The next day our publicist got an email from Ralph the DJ asking if the bands would email Sludge and say that we thought it was funny and that everything was cool. So, let me get this straight. First, Ralph doesn’t want me on his radio show without “Tie-me” and now he did something stupid and he wants me to help clear his name by making myself look like a jerk? I don’t think so! I spoke to CC Banana and let him know that I was on his side and would defend him in my diary. I think he was happy to hear it.

For those of you who've never seen CC Banana, he dresses and acts like CC DeVille of Poison--only he's in a large Banana costume when he's doing it. He has a video that features his antics and song parodies. I am not his only fan-- Chad and Danny also enjoy watching CC Banana’s video on the bus.

I have to say, Brent has a Super Balls Award coming. I'm not gay, but I'll gladly swing from his nuts like a kid on a jungle gym. And I don't say that too often.

Whatever Ralph Sutton's problem is, I bet it's hard to pronounce. This is the same guy who used to email us asking to do 20 Questions over and over again. Fuck, I wish we had some of the pathetic emails he sent Jani Bon Neil but Jani's computer has crashed about a good 100 times since then so I don't know if he can find them. But Ralph used to email us crying about doing 20 Questions, and even bitched about our choice of 20 Questions one time. I think it was somebody like Matt from the Wild Boyz or somebody along those lines, and he was like, "you'll do 20 Questions with him and not me?" It was something like that and I forgot who he was talking about and I'm pissed that I don't remember, but that's what happens when you drink everyday. Anyway, Ralph's email pissed us off because who is this guy to tell us anything? He's a fucking DJ with a show called The Tour Bus! Or as I know call it, "The Bore Bus." It's a great show to listen to if you want to take a nap or drift into a coma. There is more entertainment value at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box than listening to Ralph try to do an interview. But I digress.

I believe Jani Bon Neil sent him an email saying that he has no place knocking anybody and then Ralph was all kiss ass again. Eventually we told him unless he had some great story to tell us, there really wasn't any reason to do 20 Questions him. We'd rather not put up 20 Questions at all than do 20 Questions with Ralph Sutton.

This is just another example of this guy's ego. He wants to pretend he's important. He's a glorified groupie who has no musical talent so he wants to kiss up to rock stars so he can create this image of being a "cool guy." That way he can show off his backstage passes and tell people how we was on "the bus" and "hanging with the band." He's the type that wants to be seen hanging in the dressing room before the gig and bragging about how big his show is. A big shot. Maybe even get somebody's cell phone number so he can program it into his phone and look like he knows people! I'm sure we all know posers like this, and those people make me sick. He's faker than Warrant's background vocals on their first tour.

So you have a guy like this, and then you give him a mic on stage and he thinks he can say whatever the hell he wants. Wanna hear what he had to say that night from the stage? Then click the link below and take a listen for yourself!

Ralph and his bitch on stage egging the crowd to attack C.C. Banana

Listen to C.C. Banana being attack as Ralph eggs the crowd on! Click Here!

For those of you who can't get that to work, you'll hear C.C. Banana walking through the crowd talking and doing his thing, then Ralph takes the stage and starts talking. Eventually he says the following: "Somebody beat the crap out of CC Banana! Come on, somebody! If somebody tackles the banana right now, I'll give you my pair of tickets. All you gotta do is put him on the ground! No, he's gotta HIT the fucking ground. No, he's gotta hit it HARD! I mean, I'm talking WWF style." During this time you can hear C.C. Banana screaming and basically being pummeled.

What type of piece of shit thinks that's funny? Where's the joke? I have a good sense of humor. I laugh at fart jokes and the lowest common denominator type stuff. But I don't see the joke there? Oh, that's because there isn't a fucking joke there!

Let me look over what Ralph wrote about this situation:

I went on stage right before Faster Pussycat - I saw CC in the crowd, and said if someone tackled him again - I'd give them free tickets to Twisted Sister. A couple of people went over to him, and one guy picked him up and brought him to the ground. Honestly dude - there was maybe 200 people there tops - and it was very spread out - the whole place can hold up to 4-5000 people - it wasn't a dangerous situation.. it was a joke. The guy who did it even came up to me afterwards and said - I didn't hurt the guy - I just picked him up and brought him to the ground...

Well Ralph, maybe you need to watch the video or perhaps your parents had your swing set facing a wall as a child and your memory isn't that good. Ralph says he didn't mean for C.C. Banana to get hurt and it was just a joke? Fuck off. Doesn't matter if there were 200 people in the crowd or 20. Who gives a fuck? Four guys can do damage to one person, especially a guy wearing a giant banana outfit. It wasn't just enough for him to just say tackle C.C. Banana, but "he's gotta HIT the ground hard. No, he's gotta hit it HARD! I mean, I'm talking WWF style." And these still video clips show at least FOUR or FIVE guys, not ONE, throwing C.C. Banana all around until he ends up on the concrete. It looks like something from a battle royal gone wrong.

These guys don't seem to be lightly joking around with C.C. Banana. As you can tell from the inbred look on their faces that they're not playing games, especially the fucking douche bag with his arms around C.C. Banana. That guy can straight up eat a bowl of dick. And here's a suggestion to the jackoff in the red tank top....don't show off your arms unless you have arms to show off. Cover those fuckers up and quit pretending you're a hard guy. That fat fuck in the yellow probably thought C.C. Banana was a real banana and was coming over to take a bite. All these guys deserved to be gang raped by members of the Black Panther party over and over again.

Now back to Ralph's phoney ass apology.

As I was walking off the stage - the crew and stage hands all said "that was hilarious" -

This coming from a guy who wanted Faster Pussycat's publicist to have the bands LIE and say that they all thought it was funny. If you need people to LIE for you, then I think that might be an indication that you FUCKED UP!

None of this was done with any malicious intent, and honestly I don't need the headache.

That means that the only reason you even tried to apologize was because you got shit for it. You don't need the headache? Neither did C.C. Banana. This guy is just totally clueless. He wouldn't know a clue if it walked up to him, bit him on the ass, and announced "I'M A FUCKING CLUE!"

This is more than just about the C.C. Banana attack, it's about Ralph and the Bore Bus in general. Look at how he dealt with Brent. He wouldn't let the guy on his show unless he had "TIE-ME" with him? How gay is that? Maybe Ralph has a thing for "TIE-ME" since he's such a big fan who doesn't even know how to pronounce TAIME's name!! It was good to hear that Taime had the chance to hang out with Ralph's ex-girlfriend after the show. That's always a nice touch!

It seems like Ralph and the Tour Bus aren't that popular with the fans either because we did get a lot of emails like this one below:

I live in New Jersey and have been to a lot of shows with the Tour Bus crew present. They used to show up at shows Eddie Trunk was broadcasting from and yell out and badger him. They would offer you t-shirts if you harassed Eddie also. Ralph, matt and their producer are a bunch of cocksuckers.
The whole reason you go to the 80's shows are because it is a party atmosphere. If I want to hang out with a bunch of pugnacious jerkoffs that would rather fight then get laid, I'd go to a Slayer or Venom show.
The Tour Bus advertises themselves as "fun" and "party" rock. What a load of shit, when they send out a strip club dj jerkoff, who is lucky enough to get a radio show and act like a fucking jerkoff each and every time. this time, they went too far. Didn't anyone learn to relax and chill out after 9/11 or the Rhode Island/ Great White tragedy??
The Tour Bus is a bunch of c*k* heads and loser bastards that need a shot of reality by losing their show! It is a shame, because WDHA is a pretty cool station and the Tour Bus play some cool shit. Unfortunately, they no longer represent the light heartiness and fun humor value that this music scene created. They give these shows and us metal heads (and sludgeheads) a bad rap.
Ralph, Matt and crew should be out and pulled like the LA Guns summer tour!
Thanx, the Boozzman

When we told our Sludgeaholics to email WDHA, 105.5, at rock@wdhafm.com and let them know your thoughts, a few of you forwarded the emails you sent to me. This is one of them that I enjoyed:

Metal Sludge deserves to have it's hosts treated a little better, seeing that if they weren't there your station wouldn't be out the representing (with no class) itself. Seriously Ralph is a scumbag prick and if you want I'd personally kick the crap out of him on the air. I mean I'm sure it can't be that hard to replace him either. Hell give a monkey a drumset and a kazoo and I'm sure it could entertain better than Ralphie-boy. Great station though! I can't be mad at you guys, shit every family has a drunk asshole uncle. Its just time for the 105.5 family to cut their ties with this drunk uncle before he starts feeling up one of his underage neices ass then shits himself in front of the whole fam.

I like the part about the monkey and kazoo. I know I'd listen if he was replaced by a monkey with a kazoo! That's big ratings right there! The interviews on their show certainly would be better, that's for sure.

They say no one is irreplaceable. That's bullshit. Ralph is totally replaceable. Like Brent said, most stations would have fired somebody for this and I still think the guy outta get a pink slip. He's making his station and affiliates look like assholes. I say you still let his station and affiliates know what type of person they have working for them.

Finally, as I was looking over their website for things to laugh at, I found this funny little line: The website continues to grow in tandem with the show – peaking at over 1,000,000 hits a month for six months straight.

A million hits a month, huh? Really? Well they certainly weren't unique hits, that's for sure. Let me go to Alexa.com and see where this million hits a month site is ranked compared to us.

TheTourBus.com is at 892,757

Metal-Sludge.com is at 18,458

Just what I thought. Full of shit. If TheTourBus.com was at any point ever getting a million hits a month, what were we getting? A BILLION?? Shut the fuck up. Ralph must have taken the same math class Sebitchian "22 million records sold" Bach did.

I'd insult you more with my wit but it'd be wasted on you, so instead, go poke yourself in the eye with a fork. For C.C. Banana, Faster Pussycat, and every other person Ralph treated like shit, FUCK YOU!

OZZY STILLBOURNE